Worrying and why I do it
There are plenty of things that are probably normal, but I freak out about, thinking I’m the only one who does it. Like my fear of death. I am terrified of dying. Not necessarily of dying a certain way, like in a fire, drowning, being buried alive. I mean, all those things are terrible, and I am claustrophobic enough for them to be scary.
No. As a faithful person, I believe in eternity. And that is what scares me. Forever is a seriously long time. And since I know that when I (hopefully) get to Heaven, my life as I know it will end, and my eternal life will be something completely different.
But apparently I won’t know the people I know on earth. I won’t remember anything from my previous existence. And that is really horrifying to me.
What if I don’t fulfill my purpose? What if I don’t live to do all the amazing things I want to accomplish?
And then I won’t even know if I did or not?
Doesn’t that seem a really crazy thing to be worried about?
Still, just the thought of my life ending sooner rather than later is enough to give me a panic attack.
Another thing that I have been fearful of for several years has been the approach of my 31st birthday. I have less than a month.
Last year was really rough. I didn’t want to celebrate an amazing milestone because of fear. And I even came up with this crazy “30 Things to Do While I’m 30” bucket list. Why?
Because my mother was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia on her 31st birthday.
Because her grandmother had leukemia and died from it.
My own mother was treated for three months at Vanderbilt Medical Center, and she is fine. She went through remission, and is considered cured. I mean, she is still living into her 50s.
For some reason I am convinced that if I were to be diagnosed, I will not survive.
My mother assured me recently, even after reminding me that I will likely have a better 31st birthday than she had, that I will likely NOT get leukemia as it typically skips a generation. Yet I remain unconvinced.
How can I plan to have children and build a life with my husband knowing that I may be leaving this world and all my responsibilities to them?
It’s unfortunately something I think about, and worry about.
On a positive note, I do believe in the power of prayer, so I think I’ll lift up a few right now.
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