My personal thoughts and ramblings
I have now suffered the first earache of my life. As a generally healthy child I somehow managed to avoid this awful infirmity. But now that I have experienced it, I understand why babies scream their heads off. I wanted to drive a screwdriver into my brain through my ear to release the pressure and pain. Ick! Let’s hope I never have to relive this particular injury again!
There are plenty of things that are probably normal, but I freak out about, thinking I’m the only one who does it. Like my fear of death. I am terrified of dying. Not necessarily of dying a certain way, like in a fire, drowning, being buried alive. I mean, all those things are terrible, and I am claustrophobic enough for them to be scary.
No. As a faithful person, I believe in eternity. And that is what scares me. Forever is a seriously long time. And since I know that when I (hopefully) get to Heaven, my life as I know it will end, and my eternal life will be something completely different.
But apparently I won’t know the people I know on earth. I won’t remember anything from my previous existence. And that is really horrifying to me.
What if I don’t fulfill my purpose? What if I don’t live to do all the amazing things I want to accomplish?
And then I won’t even know if I did or not?
Doesn’t that seem a really crazy thing to be worried about?
Still, just the thought of my life ending sooner rather than later is enough to give me a panic attack.
Another thing that I have been fearful of for several years has been the approach of my 31st birthday. I have less than a month.
Last year was really rough. I didn’t want to celebrate an amazing milestone because of fear. And I even came up with this crazy “30 Things to Do While I’m 30” bucket list. Why?
Because my mother was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia on her 31st birthday.
Because her grandmother had leukemia and died from it.
My own mother was treated for three months at Vanderbilt Medical Center, and she is fine. She went through remission, and is considered cured. I mean, she is still living into her 50s.
For some reason I am convinced that if I were to be diagnosed, I will not survive.
My mother assured me recently, even after reminding me that I will likely have a better 31st birthday than she had, that I will likely NOT get leukemia as it typically skips a generation. Yet I remain unconvinced.
How can I plan to have children and build a life with my husband knowing that I may be leaving this world and all my responsibilities to them?
It’s unfortunately something I think about, and worry about.
On a positive note, I do believe in the power of prayer, so I think I’ll lift up a few right now.
Why is it…
…that I am terrible remembering names — but good with faces — especially when it comes to pets? I know all my neighbors’ dogs’ names, but only a few of the owners’, even though I’m friendly and speak with them often.
And for that matter, why should I remember the remotest fact about a person I met once, yet I can’t remember when or where that I met them? I can recall what they were wearing, what they said about their cousin’s new car, or who they were roommates with but can’t remember if they were in class with me, marched in band with me, or were in some random conversation at a rare party I was convinced to attend.
Some things make you go, “Hmmm.”
Each night that my husband has rehearsal I try to find a new task to tackle. Sometimes it is the weekly cleaning list; other times it is a craft or a space to organize.
Tuesday night I decided to clean out the drawers of a certain piece of furniture that had obviously not been organized since I was in my first apartment. Of course I found new items, receipts and things from more current times, but also sketches from a dear friend I dated in high school and even some bizarre poetry I wrote.
In the spirit of entertainment, here is some weird poetry from me about 10 years ago.
<6:36 p.m.>
It happened one night.
I don’t know how.
Do I care, no, only
that it came to me.
I did not mean for it;
just felt it creep in
and settle deep within.
And then this seed grew,
Made a whole new complete.
I do not think to
be without it again
is a possibility that
I even crave at all.
Too long, an addiction
more than a tolerance to,
and bound, behold, I am.
Yet it happened one night.
I don’t know how.
Do I care, no, only
That I fell in love with you.
The Nighttime Promenade
I walk.
The ert, ert, ert of my treads
scratch on the sandy concrete.
Wet pavement.
As the wind tosses at curls
better kept behind ears,
which are alive with the sound of
the inevitable nighttime.
A glow, distant but warm, reflects
in the searching eyes.
I walk,
stirring crickets and still
of the evening air.
I have been here before.
Once upon a time…
but then, fairy tales were real.
Now there is only the
soft pounding on the sidewalk.
Fireflies dance to a mystic music
in the growing dark.
Do I know where this path goes,
My lonely sidewalk?
No, but I know I’ve been before.
So I walk, banging out the rhythm
Of the nightfall, the dark promenade,
with ert, ert, ert.
I walk.
I think my generation saying something is the “best thing since sliced bread” seems kind of ridiculous.
When have we ever lived without sliced bread?
Maybe we should say the best thing since cellphones, or instant mac ‘n’ cheese, or the country of Moldova.
My puppy Piper is an enoculator.
She likes to remove the eyes from her toys.
But not only has she removed the eyes, whether stitched, plastic, or printed, she gnaws them off and proceeds to pull the stuffing out through the holes where the eyeballs used to be.
At first it was really hilarious to watch the process take place, but as she got several months older, it took even less and less time to remove the eyes and pull out the stuffed animals’ innards.
Now we have a stash of a pterodactyl, shark, pig, cow and cartoon helicopter, all of which have no eyes.
After a “Criminal Minds” marathon I’m concerned my 10-month-old puppy may be on her way to completing the serial killer trifecta.
And yet, she’s so darn cute! Let’s just hope she limits her victims to fluffy toys….
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